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Today I start again, or really come to terms with the fact that I will never spend a day in my life when I am not thinking about my weight. I will be fat or thin, but I will always need to be thinking about my choices or face an ever larger reflection in my mirror, disgust at my figure, and the constant self hate of the grossly obese. After my last post, I think I stopped trying for a while. I was too bent up inside about my own failings. I don’t know if I will succeed, but I know that I cannot stop trying, and that I have to actually do what I tell my mind that I do. So today I ate a salad for lunch. It was 11 points, but it was a salad, and I have a chance of eating all of my fruits and veggies today because of it. Instead of trying to lose weight, as that always results in my gaining weight somehow, I will simply try to change one habit at a time and to honestly keep track of what goes in my mouth.
Today, I will eat all my vegetables, as well as drink enough water.
Day One.
Weight 252.4
I have gained 21 pounds since I started trying to lose 85. My goal is now to lose 100-115 pounds.
I am so twisted up inside about this weight loss journey. I MUST find a way to stop myself from hurting myself day after day. Why do I fight myself? I know what is best. I know how to do it. I know what to do, when, where, and why. But I don’t. Every day I tell myself that this will be the day. Today I will make it happen. This is the last time I will weigh 240+ lbs. THE LAST! And yet, I have said this everyday for over a year now. Why can’t I do this? Why can’t I do this for me. How can it be that somewhere, somehow, I am not worth a little sacrifice? And it isn’t even that much. Just don’t eat – whatever it is that I eat that keeps me here. I feel so weak, so pointless… I would say that I am better than this, and yet, I am not even one pound down. I am up, even. I maintain when I don’t do anything. I gain when I try to lose. Go figure. Should I try to gain? Snort. I’m way to good at indulging in food. I’d balloon to twice my weight without trying too hard. Please, please, please – where do I find the motivation – the belief in myself that I can do this and that I am worth it. Sigh. How can this possibly be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life? To simply not eat… to make the right choices for food. I can do it for my children… why not for me? Why not for me…
We got a Wii Fit last week. I absolutely love this thing. It’s fun. Crazy fun. Go out and get one right now.
What is it about a Birthday Party that makes you think that you have carte blanche to eat whatever you want? It’s kind of like my friend who says to break the chocolate chip cookie in half so all the calories fall out (that this is not true is one of the true injustices of this world).
Sigh. So last Thursday was my weigh in, and magically I lost 2 lbs. (GO WATER!) But as is my typical MO, once I lose a little, I lose my mind. And this week not only am I not drinking my water, but I have eaten copious amounts of birthday cake, chips, dips, and pizza. Still. The Party was on Saturday, and I’m finishing up the chips today. Yup. Just tipped that big ole bad into my yawning maw. Sigh. One day I will learn self control. I really will. Food will no longer have power over me in this way, and I will remember that being thin is better than the lousy chip I just ate. I really will. Sigh.
So, motivation. I think I’m a rewards kind of girl, but promising it to myself just doesn’t seem to work. What do you say? Weight Loss Swap? Anyone? For every 5 lbs? Or maybe the first 5 lbs, but every 10 after that? What do you think?
I’m really struggling with sticking to my plan. My only excuse is that I’ve had merely a loose idea of what I should eat and no real plan for dealing with food/eating situations that are difficult for me to manage. I want to give up in the worst way. I’ve thought several times of having a cigarette. I dread (as usual) facing the scale on Saturday.
What do I do? Should I haul out my WW member materials and review? Troll the WW boards for inspiration? What do you do when you find your commitment sagging?
These words just shouldn’t exist. However, yes, I was expecting a little gain. Instead, I got a LOT of gain. Sigh. I knew I was stress eating. Being out of your home, worrying about a fire, and living in a house that deep fries tacos did not help. But 4 pounds up kinda knocked the stuffing out of me. Sigh.
Back to the drawing board.
Clean slate. Fresh start.
Week 1 Goal: Drink 64 oz of water EVERY day.
Move along. nothing but us fat chicks over here.
Getting back on track is particularly difficult for me. It’s so easy to let one slip become an excuse to eat poorly the rest of the day, which, in turn, affects how I eat for the rest of the week. I missed weighing in this past Saturday, and will probably miss this coming Saturday as well. While I have been sticking to the Core plan in principle, there has been an unknown amount of off-plan eating. Perhaps I should find a way to weigh in this week, even if it’s not on my regular WW day. Even if I have to bring the children. Even if I think I might see a gain. Even if. That’s what WW has been for me. To keep on trying, even if.
Tomorrow is my weigh-in day, the culmination of two weeks on the Core plan. I’m not sure how I’ll do this week. Last week, I was confident the scale would show a loss, but this week feels like there’s been more off-plan eating. You see, this week marked the arrival of a certain time of the month, and there has been some rather a lot of food-based emotional support. And let’s face it, baby carrots, however adorable they may be, are not comforting. Neither are salads or non-creamy soups. So tomorrow should be interesting. How do you handle your period week? Are you more likely to eat for emotional reasons? Or have you conquered this particular demon? If you have, I’d love to hear how you did it. Wish me luck for tomorrow and for a better week on Core next week.
Now, I know that this has a unique meaning to those in the UK, but for me, right now, it is how I’m feeling about my water. I have – for the first time in my weight loss journey of 10+ years – actually been drinking ALL of the recommended water, if not more.
Boy, am I getting awfully familiar with my bathroom these days.
The best part, though, was a complete surprise. Remember how I said that I was ALWAYS hungry when I was on program? Well, apparently it was because I wasn’t getting enough water. Yup. I’m such a dunce that I mistook thirst for hunger. Sigh. But I’m awfully happy not to be hungry all the time half way through the first week. I sure hope this keeps up!
I have to admit, I am very curious to see the effect on my weight when I weigh in on Thursday. I haven’t really been doing anything else different, just making sure that I’m drinking my water each day. Baby steps, baby steps. Even if I gain, I will count this week as a success if I drink all of my water every day.
So far, so good.
I work out with my iPod on an elliptical trainer and I’ve put together a playlist called “Music to Sweat By”. Most of it is dance music–Play That Funky Music, White Boy, e.g.–or Techno mixes. You know, anything up-tempo that will keep me moving. I set the iPod to shuffle, pop in the earbuds, and off I go. At some point when I was putting my playlist together, I must have gotten bored, because today, just as I was hitting my stride and starting to sweat, the Wonka Welcome Song from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory came on. It has a surprisingly good beat. Also, it made me smile. Any pleasant surprises in your exercise routine?
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