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I’ve given this a lot of thought over the last couple of days. While I want to be supportive of my dear friend because I love her, I have been doing a lot of reading and thinking about diets and the fantasy of being thin. I see that Moon is just not ready to give that up, which I understand, but I don’t see how a blog like this can work, with me on one hand working toward body acceptance and her on the other struggling to stay on program. Neither of us are being supported or providing support in that case. So rather than continue here, I’ve set up a new blog. I love you, Moon, and I hope that you find peace in some way — any way. I’ve made you an administrator of this site and am now turning it over to you. Please come check out Fat Sisters!
I’ve been “doing” WW for more than a year and I’m no lighter than I was when I started. Well, that’s not entirely true. I lost two pounds this past week so I’m officially 1 lb lighter than my original starting weight. Last month I was diagnosed with a gluten intolerance, as well as an intolerance to cane sugar. Couple that with dealing with my son’s multiple food allergies and intolerances and trying to stay on program and I feel like I’m thinking of food all the time. My whole life revolves around food. I go to the grocery store nearly every day. I’m obsessed with everything about food–acquisition, preparation, consumption. I feel as though I’m slowly going insane. Seriously, I do understand the notion that not thinking about food is why I ended up at WW to begin with, but I honestly can’t justify spending $42+/month on a membership that not only is not working but is also making me crazy. I know it’s not the program’s fault (or is it?), I am just program fatigued and since reading Susie Orbach’s book, a paradigm shift of sorts has occurred within me. I have accepted that I will never be as light as WW wants me to be (between 103 and 132 lbs). I’ve never been that tiny. Well, I think I was around a hundred lbs in third grade. But I don’t see myself, at nearly forty, ever being that size again. I want to make peace with myself and with food and right now, and I just don’t see how the WW program can fit into that process.
So here’s my simplfied plan: I will eat food, not too much, mostly plants. (One of my biggest issues with the WW program has always been its proliferation of what Michael Pollan calls “edible food-like substances”.) I will exercize for fun and pleasure rather than for punishment (for me this means more yoga and Wii Fit and I will let go of the idea that I will ever run a 5k). And I will accept my body, whatever size or shape it is.
Although, I’m not sure what this means for this blog.
UPDATE 6/8/09: CTJen now blogs about Body Acceptance at Fat Sisters.
A couple of weeks ago, I finished reading Bodies, by Susie Orbach. It was like a teeny tome so it was a bit of a slog. The material was dense and often clinical. But she is so right. Like she’s always been right. Our culture (in general) and I (specifically) tend to view the body as a project to work on. Something that can always be improved. It can be toned and sculpted with diet and exercise or surgery. We apply makeup, shave our armpits and legs, pluck eyebrows. The body is something that must be endured. Periods, pregnancy, menopause, sickness, injury, hunger, thirst, satiety, over-fullness. But I ask you, why should I find horrifying the ancient practice of foot binding but not a young mother’s desire to have a portion of her digestive organs removed or stapled to make losing weight easier? Why should having a surgeon suck out your belly fat with a laser and industrial vacuum be more acceptable than freezing a hated limb so that it must be amputated?
For nearly a year now, I’ve been going through the motions of WW, but honestly, that’s about it. I haven’t stayed on program. I’ve gained back all of the weight I lost, plus a pound. And I’m so tired of it all. Tired of sitting in that meeting and pretending to be excited about it. Tired of hearing the same shtick again and again and again. Tired of feeling that “this week is the week I get back on track”, only to disappoint myself two days later. I’m tired of being disappointed in myself. I’m tired of thinking about food all the time. I’m tired of the idea that I have to have a BMI of 25 to be acceptable in public. It’s exhausting. I just want to be able to live in my body, whatever its shape, and have that be okay. I don’t want to view it as a project, as something to be worked on, as something be be endured (like I’m going to survive my body somehow). I’m tired of feeling like my body is the Other, that we are adversaries, it and I. I am my body. That’s it. I am my body and my body is me.
…If only I weren’t so fat.
I know I haven’t posted here in what seems like forever. I have lots of excuses and perhaps a few of them are legitimate reasons, but what’s done is done. So today, I make it up to you with this article from Wired magazine which asserts that WW is an RPG. Enjoy!
We got a Wii Fit last week. I absolutely love this thing. It’s fun. Crazy fun. Go out and get one right now.
It’s a Core Plan Chop Salad! (Alas, no pictures. It was all gone before I thought to take out the camera!)
Ingredients:
a handful of baby carrots
1/2 a cucumber
1/4 or 1/2 of a red bell pepper
one or two teaspoons of olive oil
a tablespoon or so of rice vinegar
salt and pepper to taste
Roughly chop the veggies into chucks and toss them in a bowl. Drizzle with oil, splash with vinegar, season with salt and pepper. Yum!
I’m really struggling with sticking to my plan. My only excuse is that I’ve had merely a loose idea of what I should eat and no real plan for dealing with food/eating situations that are difficult for me to manage. I want to give up in the worst way. I’ve thought several times of having a cigarette. I dread (as usual) facing the scale on Saturday.
What do I do? Should I haul out my WW member materials and review? Troll the WW boards for inspiration? What do you do when you find your commitment sagging?
Old Fashioned oats with bananas, raspberries, and a splash of milk. Yum! What are you having for breakfast?
I don’t know about you guys, but we had some crap weather here today. It was a typical New England spring day: misty, cloudy, gloomy–perfect weather for making a nice lamb stew! I’ve cross-posted the recipe on my other blog (didn’t know I had two, eh?)
Core Plan Beef (or Lamb) Stew
1-1/2 lbs lean beef (or lamb), cut into chunks for stewing
1 Tbsp canola or olive oil
1 medium onion, frenched
3 carrots, cut into large chunks
2 ribs celery, prepared similarly
4 parsnips, ditto
4 or 5 medium-ish red potatoes, again, cut into chunks
2 cups beef stock
2 cups canned, diced tomato
2 Tbsp tomato paste
Garnier Bouquet (I used bay leaf, thyme, and sage, but any old seasoning combination that plays well with beef’ll work. Dry herbs are OK, too.)
Salt & Pepper to taste
Preheat the oven to 250 degrees. Meanwhile, in an oven-safe dutch oven, heat oil over med-high heat on the stove. Add the meat (seasoned with some salt and pepper) and sear it. When it’s got some good color, remove it from the pan and set aside. Toss in the onions along with a good sized pinch of salt and saute them until translucent. Add the remaining vegs (and a little more salt) and saute them for 5 minutes or so–just to give them a little jump start. Then, add the broth and the tomatoes and tomato paste, along with the herbs. Bring it up to a boil and throw in the meat. Cover and move the whole operation into the oven for 2 or 3 hours. Yummy! And enough for eight 1 cup servings!
If you’re following the Flex plan, there’s 4 points* in each 1 cup serving, leaving enough points left over to enjoy with a hunk of soft and chewy bread brushed with a little olive oil (and still be a relatively low point and hearty meal).
Next time I’ll add a tablespoon or so of mashed potatoes to help thicken it up a bit. Otherwise–delish!
*points calculated with the WeightWatchers.com eTools recipe builder.
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