I am so twisted up inside about this weight loss journey. I MUST find a way to stop myself from hurting myself day after day. Why do I fight myself? I know what is best. I know how to do it. I know what to do, when, where, and why. But I don’t. Every day I tell myself that this will be the day. Today I will make it happen. This is the last time I will weigh 240+ lbs. THE LAST! And yet, I have said this everyday for over a year now. Why can’t I do this? Why can’t I do this for me. How can it be that somewhere, somehow, I am not worth a little sacrifice? And it isn’t even that much. Just don’t eat – whatever it is that I eat that keeps me here. I feel so weak, so pointless… I would say that I am better than this, and yet, I am not even one pound down. I am up, even. I maintain when I don’t do anything. I gain when I try to lose. Go figure. Should I try to gain? Snort. I’m way to good at indulging in food. I’d balloon to twice my weight without trying too hard. Please, please, please – where do I find the motivation – the belief in myself that I can do this and that I am worth it. Sigh. How can this possibly be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life? To simply not eat… to make the right choices for food. I can do it for my children… why not for me? Why not for me…