I am so twisted up inside about this weight loss journey. I MUST find a way to stop myself from hurting myself day after day. Why do I fight myself? I know what is best. I know how to do it. I know what to do, when, where, and why. But I don’t. Every day I tell myself that this will be the day. Today I will make it happen. This is the last time I will weigh 240+ lbs. THE LAST! And yet, I have said this everyday for over a year now. Why can’t I do this? Why can’t I do this for me. How can it be that somewhere, somehow, I am not worth a little sacrifice? And it isn’t even that much. Just don’t eat - whatever it is that I eat that keeps me here. I feel so weak, so pointless… I would say that I am better than this, and yet, I am not even one pound down. I am up, even. I maintain when I don’t do anything. I gain when I try to lose. Go figure. Should I try to gain? Snort. I’m way to good at indulging in food. I’d balloon to twice my weight without trying too hard. Please, please, please - where do I find the motivation - the belief in myself that I can do this and that I am worth it. Sigh. How can this possibly be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life? To simply not eat… to make the right choices for food. I can do it for my children… why not for me? Why not for me…

We got a Wii Fit last week. I absolutely love this thing. It’s fun. Crazy fun. Go out and get one right now.

It’s a Core Plan Chop Salad! (Alas, no pictures. It was all gone before I thought to take out the camera!)

Ingredients:
a handful of baby carrots
1/2 a cucumber
1/4 or 1/2 of a red bell pepper
one or two teaspoons of olive oil
a tablespoon or so of rice vinegar
salt and pepper to taste

Roughly chop the veggies into chucks and toss them in a bowl. Drizzle with oil, splash with vinegar, season with salt and pepper. Yum!

What is it about a Birthday Party that makes you think that you have carte blanche to eat whatever you want? It’s kind of like my friend who says to break the chocolate chip cookie in half so all the calories fall out (that this is not true is one of the true injustices of this world). 

Sigh. So last Thursday was my weigh in, and magically I lost 2 lbs. (GO WATER!) But as is my typical MO, once I lose a little, I lose my mind. And this week not only am I not drinking my water, but I have eaten copious amounts of birthday cake, chips, dips, and pizza. Still. The Party was on Saturday, and I’m finishing up the chips today. Yup. Just tipped that big ole bad into my yawning maw. Sigh. One day I will learn self control. I really will. Food will no longer have power over me in this way, and I will remember that being thin is better than the lousy chip I just ate. I really will. Sigh.

 

So, motivation. I think I’m a rewards kind of girl, but promising it to myself just doesn’t seem to work. What do you say? Weight Loss Swap? Anyone? For every 5 lbs? Or maybe the first 5 lbs, but every 10 after that? What do you think?

this gave me a much needed chuckle…

more cat pictures

Here’s to a better week…

I’m really struggling with sticking to my plan. My only excuse is that I’ve had merely a loose idea of what I should eat and no real plan for dealing with food/eating situations that are difficult for me to manage. I want to give up in the worst way. I’ve thought several times of having a cigarette. I dread (as usual) facing the scale on Saturday.

What do I do? Should I haul out my WW member materials and review? Troll the WW boards for inspiration? What do you do when you find your commitment sagging?

Old Fashioned oats with bananas, raspberries, and a splash of milk. Yum! What are you having for breakfast?

I don’t know about you guys, but we had some crap weather here today. It was a typical New England spring day: misty, cloudy, gloomy–perfect weather for making a nice lamb stew! I’ve cross-posted the recipe on my other blog (didn’t know I had two, eh?)

Core Plan Beef (or Lamb) Stew

1-1/2 lbs lean beef (or lamb), cut into chunks for stewing
1 Tbsp canola or olive oil
1 medium onion, frenched
3 carrots, cut into large chunks
2 ribs celery, prepared similarly
4 parsnips, ditto
4 or 5 medium-ish red potatoes, again, cut into chunks
2 cups beef stock
2 cups canned, diced tomato
2 Tbsp tomato paste
Garnier Bouquet (I used bay leaf, thyme, and sage, but any old seasoning combination that plays well with beef’ll work. Dry herbs are OK, too.)
Salt & Pepper to taste

Preheat the oven to 250 degrees. Meanwhile, in an oven-safe dutch oven, heat oil over med-high heat on the stove. Add the meat (seasoned with some salt and pepper) and sear it. When it’s got some good color, remove it from the pan and set aside. Toss in the onions along with a good sized pinch of salt and saute them until translucent. Add the remaining vegs (and a little more salt) and saute them for 5 minutes or so–just to give them a little jump start. Then, add the broth and the tomatoes and tomato paste, along with the herbs. Bring it up to a boil and throw in the meat. Cover and move the whole operation into the oven for 2 or 3 hours. Yummy! And enough for eight 1 cup servings!

If you’re following the Flex plan, there’s 4 points* in each 1 cup serving, leaving enough points left over to enjoy with a hunk of soft and chewy bread brushed with a little olive oil (and still be a relatively low point and hearty meal).

Next time I’ll add a tablespoon or so of mashed potatoes to help thicken it up a bit. Otherwise–delish!

*points calculated with the WeightWatchers.com eTools recipe builder.

These words just shouldn’t exist. However, yes, I was expecting a little gain. Instead, I got a LOT of gain. Sigh. I knew I was stress eating. Being out of your home, worrying about a fire, and living in a house that deep fries tacos did not help. But 4 pounds up kinda knocked the stuffing out of me. Sigh. 

Back to the drawing board. 

 

Clean slate. Fresh start. 

 

Week 1 Goal: Drink 64 oz of water EVERY day. 

 

Move along. nothing but us fat chicks over here.

Getting back on track is particularly difficult for me. It’s so easy to let one slip become an excuse to eat poorly the rest of the day, which, in turn, affects how I eat for the rest of the week. I missed weighing in this past Saturday, and will probably miss this coming Saturday as well. While I have been sticking to the Core plan in principle, there has been an unknown amount of off-plan eating. Perhaps I should find a way to weigh in this week, even if it’s not on my regular WW day. Even if I have to bring the children. Even if I think I might see a gain. Even if. That’s what WW has been for me. To keep on trying, even if.