I’ve given this a lot of thought over the last couple of days. While I want to be supportive of my dear friend because I love her, I have been doing a lot of reading and thinking about diets and the fantasy of being thin. I see that Moon is just not ready to give that up, which I understand, but I don’t see how a blog like this can work, with me on one hand working toward body acceptance and her on the other struggling to stay on program. Neither of us are being supported or providing support in that case. So rather than continue here, I’ve set up a new blog. I love you, Moon, and I hope that you find peace in some way — any way. I’ve made you an administrator of this site and am now turning it over to you. Please come check out Fat Sisters!
I’ve been “doing” WW for more than a year and I’m no lighter than I was when I started. Well, that’s not entirely true. I lost two pounds this past week so I’m officially 1 lb lighter than my original starting weight. Last month I was diagnosed with a gluten intolerance, as well as an intolerance to cane sugar. Couple that with dealing with my son’s multiple food allergies and intolerances and trying to stay on program and I feel like I’m thinking of food all the time. My whole life revolves around food. I go to the grocery store nearly every day. I’m obsessed with everything about food–acquisition, preparation, consumption. I feel as though I’m slowly going insane. Seriously, I do understand the notion that not thinking about food is why I ended up at WW to begin with, but I honestly can’t justify spending $42+/month on a membership that not only is not working but is also making me crazy. I know it’s not the program’s fault (or is it?), I am just program fatigued and since reading Susie Orbach’s book, a paradigm shift of sorts has occurred within me. I have accepted that I will never be as light as WW wants me to be (between 103 and 132 lbs). I’ve never been that tiny. Well, I think I was around a hundred lbs in third grade. But I don’t see myself, at nearly forty, ever being that size again. I want to make peace with myself and with food and right now, and I just don’t see how the WW program can fit into that process.
So here’s my simplfied plan: I will eat food, not too much, mostly plants. (One of my biggest issues with the WW program has always been its proliferation of what Michael Pollan calls “edible food-like substances”.) I will exercize for fun and pleasure rather than for punishment (for me this means more yoga and Wii Fit and I will let go of the idea that I will ever run a 5k). And I will accept my body, whatever size or shape it is.
Although, I’m not sure what this means for this blog.
UPDATE 6/8/09: CTJen now blogs about Body Acceptance at Fat Sisters.
A couple of weeks ago, I finished reading Bodies, by Susie Orbach. It was like a teeny tome so it was a bit of a slog. The material was dense and often clinical. But she is so right. Like she’s always been right. Our culture (in general) and I (specifically) tend to view the body as a project to work on. Something that can always be improved. It can be toned and sculpted with diet and exercise or surgery. We apply makeup, shave our armpits and legs, pluck eyebrows. The body is something that must be endured. Periods, pregnancy, menopause, sickness, injury, hunger, thirst, satiety, over-fullness. But I ask you, why should I find horrifying the ancient practice of foot binding but not a young mother’s desire to have a portion of her digestive organs removed or stapled to make losing weight easier? Why should having a surgeon suck out your belly fat with a laser and industrial vacuum be more acceptable than freezing a hated limb so that it must be amputated?
For nearly a year now, I’ve been going through the motions of WW, but honestly, that’s about it. I haven’t stayed on program. I’ve gained back all of the weight I lost, plus a pound. And I’m so tired of it all. Tired of sitting in that meeting and pretending to be excited about it. Tired of hearing the same shtick again and again and again. Tired of feeling that “this week is the week I get back on track”, only to disappoint myself two days later. I’m tired of being disappointed in myself. I’m tired of thinking about food all the time. I’m tired of the idea that I have to have a BMI of 25 to be acceptable in public. It’s exhausting. I just want to be able to live in my body, whatever its shape, and have that be okay. I don’t want to view it as a project, as something to be worked on, as something be be endured (like I’m going to survive my body somehow). I’m tired of feeling like my body is the Other, that we are adversaries, it and I. I am my body. That’s it. I am my body and my body is me.
…If only I weren’t so fat.
Today I start again, or really come to terms with the fact that I will never spend a day in my life when I am not thinking about my weight. I will be fat or thin, but I will always need to be thinking about my choices or face an ever larger reflection in my mirror, disgust at my figure, and the constant self hate of the grossly obese. After my last post, I think I stopped trying for a while. I was too bent up inside about my own failings. I don’t know if I will succeed, but I know that I cannot stop trying, and that I have to actually do what I tell my mind that I do. So today I ate a salad for lunch. It was 11 points, but it was a salad, and I have a chance of eating all of my fruits and veggies today because of it. Instead of trying to lose weight, as that always results in my gaining weight somehow, I will simply try to change one habit at a time and to honestly keep track of what goes in my mouth.
Today, I will eat all my vegetables, as well as drink enough water.
Day One.
Weight 252.4
I have gained 21 pounds since I started trying to lose 85. My goal is now to lose 100-115 pounds.
I know I haven’t posted here in what seems like forever. I have lots of excuses and perhaps a few of them are legitimate reasons, but what’s done is done. So today, I make it up to you with this article from Wired magazine which asserts that WW is an RPG. Enjoy!
I am so twisted up inside about this weight loss journey. I MUST find a way to stop myself from hurting myself day after day. Why do I fight myself? I know what is best. I know how to do it. I know what to do, when, where, and why. But I don’t. Every day I tell myself that this will be the day. Today I will make it happen. This is the last time I will weigh 240+ lbs. THE LAST! And yet, I have said this everyday for over a year now. Why can’t I do this? Why can’t I do this for me. How can it be that somewhere, somehow, I am not worth a little sacrifice? And it isn’t even that much. Just don’t eat – whatever it is that I eat that keeps me here. I feel so weak, so pointless… I would say that I am better than this, and yet, I am not even one pound down. I am up, even. I maintain when I don’t do anything. I gain when I try to lose. Go figure. Should I try to gain? Snort. I’m way to good at indulging in food. I’d balloon to twice my weight without trying too hard. Please, please, please – where do I find the motivation – the belief in myself that I can do this and that I am worth it. Sigh. How can this possibly be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life? To simply not eat… to make the right choices for food. I can do it for my children… why not for me? Why not for me…
We got a Wii Fit last week. I absolutely love this thing. It’s fun. Crazy fun. Go out and get one right now.
It’s a Core Plan Chop Salad! (Alas, no pictures. It was all gone before I thought to take out the camera!)
Ingredients:
a handful of baby carrots
1/2 a cucumber
1/4 or 1/2 of a red bell pepper
one or two teaspoons of olive oil
a tablespoon or so of rice vinegar
salt and pepper to taste
Roughly chop the veggies into chucks and toss them in a bowl. Drizzle with oil, splash with vinegar, season with salt and pepper. Yum!
What is it about a Birthday Party that makes you think that you have carte blanche to eat whatever you want? It’s kind of like my friend who says to break the chocolate chip cookie in half so all the calories fall out (that this is not true is one of the true injustices of this world).
Sigh. So last Thursday was my weigh in, and magically I lost 2 lbs. (GO WATER!) But as is my typical MO, once I lose a little, I lose my mind. And this week not only am I not drinking my water, but I have eaten copious amounts of birthday cake, chips, dips, and pizza. Still. The Party was on Saturday, and I’m finishing up the chips today. Yup. Just tipped that big ole bad into my yawning maw. Sigh. One day I will learn self control. I really will. Food will no longer have power over me in this way, and I will remember that being thin is better than the lousy chip I just ate. I really will. Sigh.
So, motivation. I think I’m a rewards kind of girl, but promising it to myself just doesn’t seem to work. What do you say? Weight Loss Swap? Anyone? For every 5 lbs? Or maybe the first 5 lbs, but every 10 after that? What do you think?
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